It’s been a while….

That is just not referring to my little hiatus from blog writing. It is referring to a lot of aspects of my life. My writings, my career, my friends. It has all slipped through the cracks over the last month or two. Today was the first day that I had the time and energy to dedicate a full work day (roughly 8-10hrs) to my still budding web design and social media marketing business. A friend of mine needed a new website built for his carpet cleaning and commercial office cleaning business, and though I have been slowly putting it together over the last two weeks, I have just not had time or energy to fully devote time to it. While working today I took a fifteen minute break to contemplate what happened over the last two months and why I let it happen. 

My writings. By writings I mean everything from the continued editing of my fiction novel, my blog and the ongoing process of attempting to get a book deal for the novel. What happened? I actually quite my nanny job so I had more time to focus (well, okay I quit because the parents were bat shit crazy) and I have found that since quitting I have done less work than I did when I had 12 hours of my life taken away from me each day by my nanny job and then probably another 3 or 4 by my web business. No progress has been made, no query letters have been sent, no editing has been done. Where did my grand goal of trying to get some kind of a book deal within the next year go? What happened to me?

My budding career is hit and miss lately. I have been on a roll having project after project, but nothing really too steady. Mostly it is websites, which I LOVE doing because it is fun, it is different every time and well, let’s be honest it makes me the most money. Nothing too steady though that I can depend on day after day, month to month though. The only person I have to blame for this is myself. I have slacked so bad on marketing my marketing abilities. Redundant huh? Part of that is my blog. As much as I am sure you all love reading all the thoughts that are in my head, the blog is part of marketing my abilities as a writer for freelance writing jobs. I tell every client that they should be posting minimum 1 post every 10 days or so and I can not even get myself to post that often.

My friends are a whole different can of worms. Unlike the other two things I have let slide, I am fully aware of the almost sole reason I have kind of pushed them all to the side. I canceled my wedding. Nobody freak out, I am still engaged and super happy with my fiancé and can’t wait to be a Mrs.! but, things (that will be detailed in a moment) happened and my family could no longer afford the insane cost of a wedding. My four best friends and I had gone dress shopping (yes, I had my princess moment and cried when I put on the dress), they had looked for brides maids dresses, I had found a venue, my friend who is a DJ had agreed to do my wedding for just travel expenses. It was all planned and then BOOM! reality check. Life just is not nice when it comes to this type of thing is it?

So, I guess it’s time for the explanation of my life crumbling out from under me for months. It started the first week of May. I lost my grandmother, the only grandparent I ever had. She fought for as long as she could, but with already life threatening health problems, her diagnosis of rare and aggressive lung cancer and 8 weeks to live was still hard to handle. I will never forget the phone call. It was a Sunday, my fiancé and I were having a lazy day and my dog Hades was acting odd. He was extra snuggly and would not leave my side, Hades is normally a very lackadaisical dog. He will occasionally get up and remind you to scratch behind his ears, but on this day, he was in my lap refusing to let me out of his sight all day. The call came early afternoon. My phone rang and I went into my bedroom, as my phone was on the charger, and saw it was my mother. My heart immediately skipped a beat as I answered. I heard it in her voice as I heard her say “Sara…” She really did not need to keep talking. I collapsed right there. I had rug burn where my knees hit the floor. The first thing I felt was Hades nudging me to make sure I knew he was right there for me. After a few moments, and saying goodbye to my mother, I pushed myself up to face my fiancé. His mother passed away a few years ago from the same thing and he knew the look on my face and immediately jumped up to hug me. This was the beginning of two weeks of on and off grief and the end of my wedding plans. As I let my life spiral momentarily out of control in the wake of my grief, my mother and my aunt dealt with the cold truth that is burying your loved one. The only thing that is even more insanely expensive for no reason than a wedding is a funeral and burial. Except that now we were being screwed by an insurance company in the process. Over $15,000 later, we are fighting an insurance company that only wants to give us $200 for it all. Losing my wedding would not usually cause me so much grief, but the last thing my grandmother said to me, the last time I saw her (a week before she passed) was to keep planning my beautiful wedding and that when I walked down the isle she would be with me. It was not so much about losing my dream wedding as it was I felt like I let my grandmother down in some way by giving up the wedding plans. It is pain I still feel, I don’t think I will ever stop feeling as I am still crying about those words at this very moment.

The other reason my life has slowly gotten away from me? Moving. FUCK. MOVING. Please excuse my language as I typically don’t write in a profane manner (I do enough swearing when I talk, it does not need to spill over into my writing), but fuck moving. We started our house search about two months before the end of our lease. This was about the same time last year that we began our search, so we did not think much of it until any place that we liked REFUSED to hold the house for more than two weeks. Seriously? I had my last home on hold a month before we moved in and NOW these jerk faced property managers want no more than a two week hold? FINE. Have your two week hold. We lost two places we liked because of that stupid policy. We lost the place of our dreams because they property managers did not like our application as much as they liked someone else’s and without so much as an email to me or my realtor about it either. Memorial day rolls around, at 7am I got a property search notification and the house was PERFECT. It was in the neighborhood we wanted, it is less than five miles from my fiancés’ job and we moved so fast that no one else had a chance to even look at it before our application was in. We got them to extend the damn 2 week hold so we had a few extra days and everything was moving along wonderfully.

Once everything got moved is where my lovely career was derailed slightly. My office is where all the boxes of stuff we did not know what to do with were put. My office is literally just a pile of boxes. It is hard to work when you have no where to work. I despise mixing my spaces. My bedroom is where I relax, watch netflix, play video games and sleep. My living room is where I watch television, play with my dogs and entertain. My dinning room is where I eat meals. WHERE THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO WORK WHEN MY OFFICE IS JUST A PILE OF BOXES?????? Yes, that sentence really did deserve all caps. I have been sitting in literally the same chair all day in my living room using a large ottoman as a desk space to build an entire website.

So here I am, at the end of my work day, making my first attempts at getting back on course after my two month detour. First of all, I AM A WRITER! have articles you need written? I CAN DO THAT! No really, I have degrees in communications, I went to graduate school. I even presented papers at regional and national conferences. I know what I am doing! I do websites! Websites are fun! I do not have to be in your area to help you out! I am great with phone meetings, I LOVE google hangouts and Skype which allow me to screen share so we can be on the same page when going over the site! Contact me (hence the whole contact page thing in the menu up top!) No seriously, do it! I am cheaper than most firms you will talk to since I am freelance! I also do social media marketing. I am awesome with business pages on Facebook and twitter I can turn $100 of your advertising money into 150+ likes and follows in less than a month (no guarantees but that is the average I have achieved!). And again, I’m cheaper than any reputable firm!

Step two, I am going to go write and edit and figure out my next move in becoming a published author. Going along with that, if any of you have ties to agents or publishers or are published, leave me a comment or contact me through my contact page because I would LOVE some advice on what to do next and how I can up my chances of getting a book deal. Would love it! 

Step three, tell my friend what happened and accept the sympathetic looks and talk I will have to go through when I tell them that I lost my grandmother, I lost my wedding and I was too afraid of how many tears I would spill telling them that I waited two months to say it. 

Thanks for reading my ramblings. Hopefully I will stick to my ten day timeline and have some more to write about in ten days or less!!

~S~

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LOYALTY

I’ve been contemplating the word loyalty recently. A few months ago I was told that I was loyal by a married friend of mine (Let’s call him Joe) because even if another guy was around who was better looking I would not abandon him to hang with the more attractive person. The first thing that is odd about this is that I am engaged (getting married in about a month) so other men around me, I barely  notice unless they are a friend or client of mine. I contributed the comment to a night of far too much alcohol and not enough food or sleep. It was not until it was repeated by Joe that I realized he was REALLY hitting on me. Some background on Joe, he is an older man who is married to a good friend of mine and they have a mutually “open” relationship. I put “open” in quotes because the wife will tell you that even though they flirt and will kiss and do other things, they do not sleep with other people, while Joe says that they do whatever they want. First clue your relationship is very wrong, you blatantly look the other way while your husband makes a fool of you. Joe has also said that he only got married again because he “felt [my wife] deserved that]. Second clue your relationship is wrong, your husband admits he really did not want to get married. 

The loyalty comment was made after a very lengthy explanation about how I am loyal compared to another of my very good friends within our circle. My other friend (we shall call her Jane for this posts purposes) Jane, is the same age as I (mid 20’s), single and is looking for a relationship that could lead to a very happy and loving future for her. Joe, in his constant ambition to try and sleep with every girl hits on Jane constantly, makes her seem like the most important girl in the world and while she is around refers to her as one of his most beloved friends. The second she is not around, Joe will call her disloyal for flirting and talking to other men whom Jane is interested in while Joe is around. Joe goes as far to put down the men and in a way condemn Jane for considering even speaking to them, or say it will be “bad karma.” In essence, Joe becomes jealous and angry when Jane does not show Joe all her attention while he is around. This is not the only time Joe does these things, Joe also says a lot of rude things about another girl, though I do not like this girl, but then will flirt, hang out with and help her in anyway he can. Yet, the second she walks away he goes back to disliking her and making comments behind her back. 

This all leads me to believe that the story is no different with me, once I walk away Joe probably has a lot of very rude things to say, especially since I make it clear almost every time I am around him that he does not have a chance at sleeping with me, even though he makes advances and invitations quite often. But why take the time to call me loyal and give me a long speech on how I am such a loyal person in front of numerous people only to probably complain and make comments the second I turn around? 

What is loyalty then? To me, loyalty has always and will always be a promise to my friends and family to love and cherish them and help them in anyway I can when they are in need. Joe seems to take loyalty as meaning you will hang on his every word and suck his junk. If you had asked me two months ago if I was loyal to Joe, I probably would have said yes, I am. He is a friend, I cherish him and would help him if he needed it. That has seemed to devolve as of late as I have had on numerous occasions been present as he put down my fiance and out right tried to tell him that he was bad at his job because my fiance does not perform his job as Joe thinks he should (mind you, Joe is a part time bartender and spends 90% of his time wasted on tequila while my fiance is a full time armed security guard) and my fiance also does not always respond to situations in a positive way. Where as Joe thinks he can ignore something and it will go away, my fiance will confront the issue and try to fix it. Both approaches have their pros and cons, but let’s face it, when you just ignore things they tend to blow up further. 

Loyalty would be NOT talking down to your friends, as Joe tends to do. Loyalty would be to go to your friends if you have a problem, Joe just tells everyone else the problem. Finally, loyalty is respecting when a friend says no to something and not constantly pestering them about something, Joe tends to want me to go to “privet parties” him and his wife have knowing my fiance works nights and would not be able to attend, that we are not in any type of open relationship and that my fiance and I keep our privet life very….privet. 

So I may be loyal to him, but in what ways is he loyal to me? Or to anyone else? I am starting to believe that he values my loyalty because he lacks the ability to be loyal.